Hey, it’s another episode of The Demoman, where I review free game demos and tell you if they’re worth the price (note: the price is zero, and yet, they are often not worth it). Today, as astute readers will have already gleamed from the title, it’s Virtual Villagers: A New Home Demo.
There are a number of Virtual Villagers game demos on the market. Virtual Villagers: The Secret City, Virtual Villagers: A New Home, Virtual Villagers: The Lost Children, Virtual Villagers: Beyond Thunderdome… Ultimately, I went with A New Home, because the splash screen shows a virtual villager displaying her virtual butt. And I generally enjoy displays of lady butts, virtual or otherwise.
Note the disembodied hand near her rump: that’s me! Or, if you choose to play the demo, that’s you. Note: do not choose to play the demo. Oops, spoiler. Also note: this attractive butt will not be featured anywhere in the demo.
OK. As the game tells it, the virtual villagers lived happily on an island until a volcano erupted, forcing them to flee, leaving everything behind. And I mean everything. It appears they didn’t even have time to pack their basic skills, because they don’t know how to do anything without you training them.
You train someone by picking them up and putting them on something. For instance, Waka here is worried about food. And she should be, because no one knows how to gather it or make it. I’m trying to get Waka to make food by putting her on the bench. I mean, there’s some food on the bench, and a bowl, how much more instruction does she need? Still, the task is apparently is too tough for her. I decide she needs help, so I enlist this other guy to find food so Waka won’t have a coronary over putting a couple apples in a goddamn bowl.
I pick him up and put him on a bush covered with what are probably poisonous berries. Yes, he’s trying to learn how to pick fruit off a tree. Good luck, Hoani.
I notice there’s a little kid walking around not doing anything productive. I pick her up and try to drown her in the ocean as a lesson to the others, but the game tells me she can’t swim, which, well, was sort of the idea. Since I can’t execute her, I try to put her to work.
OK. I drop Lulu deep in the woods to look for delicious mushrooms. She’s now in charge of food, since the adults can’t seem to figure it out. What are the adults good for, anyway?
Now we’re problem-solving! If two grown people can’t figure out how to pull pears off a tree and put them into a bowl, they just get fornicating and let their kids handle the fruit-gathering issue. And the mood is already set for some lovin’, because I can’t help noticing that every time I pick someone up and try to make them gather food or build a shelter, they moan in creepy pleasure. You can see what I mean in this handy YouTube clip.
OK. Your God commands you to fuck! It takes a few tries, but eventually two villagers hit it off and we’ve got a baby. I also try to mate Hoani with another dude, but the game won’t let me because they’re of the same gender. I guess the game was made in the United States. OMG POLITICAL ZINGER.
The excitement of dragging people around and putting them on things is too much for me, so I’m forced to take a break from Virtual Villagers for several weeks. When I return, I get some bad news.
OK.
You know, those OK buttons are starting to bug me. One of my villagers is dead, fucking DEAD, and the only way I can express my remorse is by choosing OK. My heart is not made of stone. How about an OK BUT I AM CRIPPLED WITH REMORSE button or something.
The dead guy, apparently named Tuna, has become a skeleton lying in the dirt. Tuna has also become the most (read: only) productive member of this little society.
See, he’s doing something without having to be trained. Good on you, Tuna! If only others followed your example. And actually, they do, for a couple months later I finally remember to log back in and check on everyone’s progress, and everyone else has died too.
OK. Here’s the rating, and I’m being generous.
46 responses so far ↓
1 Tiler // Sep 1, 2008 at 11:24 pm
You know people only buy games like that so they can watch virtual people have sex.
2 Das Ganon // Sep 1, 2008 at 11:39 pm
You mean why Guys buy it. My girlfriend is addicted to this kinda stuff because of the “People Problem solving skills”.
I then bought her to get a copy of Rise of Nations so she’d get over it.
and now she thinks THAT’s the best game of all time.
I give it a week before I cave in and buy her Orange box.
3 [@] Chronos[Ha-G] // Sep 1, 2008 at 11:55 pm
Been a while since a demoman review - what next, the demo for Oddworld?
4 Jackrabbit // Sep 1, 2008 at 11:55 pm
no do it now! blasting things helps bonding
5 ASDF // Sep 2, 2008 at 12:00 am
Video of the sex process please?
6 Bootsie_B // Sep 2, 2008 at 12:07 am
YOUR GOD COMMANDS YOU TO FUCK!
7 macho // Sep 2, 2008 at 12:12 am
this was pretty good.
8 Erased.. // Sep 2, 2008 at 1:38 am
That “oh!” thing was weird. But ill bet chris is just lying about the low rating. He loves this game.
9 Jimborb // Sep 2, 2008 at 2:14 am
Man, if only there was an option to drop something heavy on your villagers… like a whale…
10 Heavy // Sep 2, 2008 at 2:20 am
@1, hence the Sims’ popularity
11 Fleeka // Sep 2, 2008 at 2:32 am
The sequels actually quite good, you should try that one >_>
12 Slade // Sep 2, 2008 at 2:46 am
This looks creepy.
13 Redragon // Sep 2, 2008 at 3:59 am
Hehe nice post! Reminds me of your notmydesk works.
14 Kazill // Sep 2, 2008 at 4:22 am
What ever happened to the previous villagers that left the stuctures your people lived in?
15 Killa-Ewok // Sep 2, 2008 at 4:58 am
I wonder if the kid had any mushrooms when he died.
16 Chijts // Sep 2, 2008 at 5:44 am
Kazill, they probably died from another god hand’s lack of empathy when he got bored.
Good read though man.
17 Newt Pulsifer // Sep 2, 2008 at 5:56 am
Why don’t you play “Settlers”?
Or maybe the point of “The Demoman” is just reviewing weirdos? :b
18 Mike // Sep 2, 2008 at 7:06 am
LOL
Kinda reminds of me the antics that went on in Peopleburg (OMG PROMOSHUN)
19 Nonomu198 // Sep 2, 2008 at 7:06 am
Use cheat codes to open a KFC on the island!
@ Chronos
No one marks Oddworld ;(. It’s a great game. I have the original CD since 97′, and it still works! (needs 98′ compatibility though)
20 Pad See Ew // Sep 2, 2008 at 8:09 am
Anyone play CREATURES? You had to raise these little cute thingamajigs who were always being hunted and terrorized by their mutant counterparts.
21 Niteowl // Sep 2, 2008 at 9:39 am
So, basically, you’re disappointed because you couldn’t commit infanticide, start a child-labour slave factory, or watch lots of and lots of gay sex?
I… I’m just not sure you’re the market casual games is aimed at.
Internet, maybe; multinational footwear companies, possibly; disgraced Republican politician, very likely.
22 DoctorDisaster // Sep 2, 2008 at 11:25 am
I actually played this demo. It was like they took the villager management from Black & White and tried to expand it into an entire game. Apparently someone didn’t realize that feature was designed to take as little time or thought as possible, so as to make way for the real gameplay.
Which I might add, Niteowl, mostly consisted of incinerating, electrocuting, and devouring said easy-to-manage villagers. Even casual gamers can enjoy a child sacrifice here or there, surely.
23 Kowl Slaw // Sep 2, 2008 at 11:40 am
So, what happend to the kid in the woods?
24 AlphaHawk // Sep 2, 2008 at 11:49 am
Hum. Never forget 9/1/08
Is that because Lafontaine died? If so I couldn’t agree more with the tag. :(
25 Azzen // Sep 2, 2008 at 11:51 am
Idea:
A crit sticky on the rating board is 1 point, while a regular sticky is half a point.
26 Generic Username // Sep 2, 2008 at 12:08 pm
Alpha beat me to commenting LaFontaine’s death being far more sad than a bunch of village idiots banded together.
:’(
27 Trust // Sep 2, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Oh, NOW I realize why The Demoman is called The Demoman!
28 Mr Brit // Sep 2, 2008 at 1:14 pm
LaFontaine is the trailer voice, right?
29 Turyx // Sep 2, 2008 at 1:38 pm
My God, I didn’t know about what happened to LaFontaine until I read the comments
30 K5Josh // Sep 2, 2008 at 1:46 pm
@28
Yes, LaFontaine is the “In a world…” movie trailer guy.
31 Kowl Slaw // Sep 2, 2008 at 2:06 pm
Aw man….that sucks :(
32 Mr Brit // Sep 2, 2008 at 2:28 pm
@30, thought so, thanks
33 Eathanu // Sep 2, 2008 at 4:52 pm
You’re responsible for the death of an entire island, Chris. Live with that on your conscience.
34 AlphaHawk // Sep 2, 2008 at 5:32 pm
“In a world where one man can kill an island…”
:(
35 rammingspeed42 // Sep 2, 2008 at 6:00 pm
Thanks for bringing back “The Demoman” Chris! It is one of my favorite regular updates on the site. Was it in response to Valve’s recent(?) post on the TF2 blog?
And that deep ,resonating voice will be remembered for years to come.
36 Kid Amnesiac // Sep 2, 2008 at 6:58 pm
Haha, so you don’t have time to do a 1fort comic, but you have time to do this? I really enjoy your website, by the way.
37 Cloud Strife // Sep 2, 2008 at 7:02 pm
I used to play the Virtual villagers games during class. Really boring :(
38 Aftershock // Sep 3, 2008 at 12:15 am
OH!
I get it!
DEMO-man..
because he reviews demos…
That took me a while.
39 Smurfy // Sep 3, 2008 at 6:39 am
I got a glitch in CoD4 that reminds me of this. You know how getting hurt on CoD4 makes you go “uhh… oh… argh…” for a while? Well for me it doesn’t stop. Get seriously hurt and you’ll be playing the rest of the mission in mid-orgasm.
40 Gothic // Sep 3, 2008 at 8:04 am
@39: That is mildly disturbing and yet highly entertaining at the same time.
41 Punjab // Sep 3, 2008 at 8:08 am
Don’t forget January 9th?
Oh…
42 Killa-Ewok // Sep 3, 2008 at 10:34 am
Oh.
Oh.
Ah.
Uh.
Oh!
Oh…
Ah…
Ah!
Oh.
43 Kowl Slaw // Sep 3, 2008 at 12:22 pm
oh!
44 A Concerned Citizen // Sep 3, 2008 at 12:36 pm
Brilliant.
45 Companion Cube // Sep 3, 2008 at 1:25 pm
Lol, nice review, Chris! That was hilarious and that video with the villagers going “Ooh! Ah!” was a bit … disturbing. @39: …okay, so your soldier in CoD4 is either a pervert who is masturbating with his gun… or he is constantly shot at.
46 Mike // Sep 3, 2008 at 5:02 pm
Oh bee tee double you Chris, it’s “glean”, not “gleam”.
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