Kotaku has the poop on this one.
In a way, it’s a relief, because I’m seriously never ever going to get most of these, so I don’t have to worry about them. On the other hand, medics trying to get some of these are going to be seriously annoying. There’s gonna be some medic grind servers going up, I’m sure.
First Do No Harm: Play a full round without killing any enemies and score the highest on a team of six or more players
Quadruple Bypass: Heal a teammate who is taking fire form four enemies at once
Group Health: Work with two other medics to deploy three simultaneous Ubercharges
Surgical Prep: Have an Ubercharge ready before the set up phase ends
Trauma Queen: Deploy three Ubercharges in less than five minutes and assist in five kills during that time
Double Blind Trial: deploy an Ubercharge within eight seconds of a nearby enemy medic deploying his
Play Doctor: In a team with no Medics, be first to switch to Medic after a teammate calls medic and heal 500 health
Triage: Deploy an Ubercharge on a teammate less than a second before they are hit by a critical explosive
Preventative Medicine: Block the enemy from capturing a control point with an Ubercharged teammate
Consultation: Assist a fellow Medic in killing five enemies in a single life
Does It Hurt When I Do This?: Kill fifty Scouts with your syringe gun
Peer Review: Kill fifty Medics with your bone saw
Big Pharma: Assist a heavy in killing thirty enemies where neither of you die
You’ll Feel a Little Prick: Assist in killing four enemies with a single Ubercharge on a Scout
Autoclave: Assist in burning eight enemies with a single Ubercharge on a Pyro
Blast Assist: Assist in exploding five enemies with a single Ubercharge on a Soldier
Blunt Trauma: Assist in punching out four enemies with a single Ubercharge on a Heavy
Medical Breakthrough: Assist in destroying eight enemy Engineer buildings with a single Ubercharge on a Demoman
Midwife Crisis: Heal an Engineer as he repairs his sentry gun while it’s under enemy fire
Ubi Concordia, Ibi Victoria: Assist in killing five enemies on an enemy control point in a single life
Grand Rounds: Heal two hundred teammates after they have called for Medic
Infernal Medicine: Extinguish one hundred burning teammates
Doctor Assisted Homicide: Assist in killing twenty nemeses
Placebo Effect: Kill five enemies in a single life, while having your Ubercharge ready but undeployed
Sawbones: Hit enemies with your bone saw ten times in a row without dieing or missing
Intern: Accumulate seven thousand heal points in a single life
Specialist: Accumulate ten thousand heal points in a single life
Chief of Staff: Accumulate ten million total health points
Hypocritical Oath: Kill an enemy spy that you have been healing
Medical Intervention: Save a falling teammate from dying on impact
Second Opinion: Ubercharge two teammates at once
Autopsy Report: Provide an enemy with a freeze cam shot of you taunting above their ragdoll
FYI I am a Medic: use a bone saw to kill five enemy spies who have been calling for Medic
Family Practice: Ubercharge ten of your steam community friends
House Call: Join a game that one of your friends is in and then deploy an Ubercharge on him
Bedside Manner: be healing a teammate as he achieves an achievement of his own
Frankly, this makes me feel absolutely confident that the game balance will remain intact. I mean, jeez, the only people who are actually going to get all, or even most of these are people who genuinely love playing as medics and are very, very good at playing medics. And they must be thrilled about this stuff. It’s like presents for doing what they’ve already been doing.
24 responses so far ↓
1 trapped // Apr 16, 2008 at 12:59 pm
Whoa, that’s a ton. No way I’ll be getting all these, I assume I’ll just rack up a few whenever I play medic, which isn’t too often. The amount of medics right after release is going to be painful, though.
2 Michael // Apr 16, 2008 at 1:03 pm
Damn some of these are going to be hard!
3 tm.Mr.Sin // Apr 16, 2008 at 1:30 pm
There can never be too many medics!
This’ll be GREAT for me cuz I’ve gone back to demo man!
4 ImperialCreed // Apr 16, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Bloody hell, and here was me thinking I’d have a shot at the unlocks.
5 sortie // Apr 16, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Oh here’s another one
Medical Impossible: As a medic ubercharge one of your Steam friends whilst they’re an enemy spy which is killed by one of your team’s pyros just after the enemy spy’s ubercharge have run out, and your friend’s Steamname is currently Chuck Norris and yours is Adam Sadler and the random Pyro must be called Forrest Gump, providing that you record this as a demo and send it to gaben [at] valvesoftware.com with the subject “Got crack?”, all before the end of April 2008.
6 Alex // Apr 16, 2008 at 2:00 pm
I am quite confident I’m never, ever going to get some of those achievements.
Kinda takes the pressure off, knowing you can’t ever do something. There’s no point trying.
7 noclip // Apr 16, 2008 at 2:05 pm
I’ll wait for the Spy achievements.
8 [@] Chronos[Ha-G] // Apr 16, 2008 at 2:44 pm
Wonder what pyro’s going to have…
9 Pentadact // Apr 16, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Peer Review, Midwife Crisis and You’ll Feel a Little Prick are all genius achievement names.
I’ve got to side a little with the doom-and-gloomers on some of these, though: so many motivate you to play the class badly. I really liked that thus far, achievements had all been ways to teach you how to play the class well, try stuff that you might not realise was worth doing.
Now not only do some of them teach you bad medical practice, but because the unlocks are tied to them, they’re compulsory for all serious medics and hard to get. So they’re not just going to blow their uber on a Scout once, they’re going to keep on doing it until that Scout manages to get four kills without straying out of beam range in the ten seconds.
MrCuddles (the FYI I’m A Spy guy) must be grinning from ear to ear, though. Lovely tribute.
10 Punjabi Fury // Apr 16, 2008 at 3:14 pm
Now that’s more like it!
Achievements that properly reward a good player of the class.
And some that reward utter retardedness.
Oh well.
For a few weeks after release it’ll be all ubered scouts and punching heavies, but then everyone will just give up.
The only classes I migh be able to get this diffculty of achievements for might be the Spy, or Pyro.
11 Mr. Munchlax // Apr 16, 2008 at 3:44 pm
I’ll probably get the new syringe guna and if I’m lucky the critzcreieg, but I’ve got no chance in hell of ever getting the ubersaw. Oh well I don’t play medic that much anyway. I can wait for the sniper and demo unlocks. And maybe soldier but I really don’t play soldier that much anymore.
12 Crane // Apr 16, 2008 at 4:24 pm
Sorry, but keep a Heavy ubercharged while they PUNCH four enemies, FOUR enemies, to death?
No. Really, just… NO.
That will not happen in normal gameplay, EVER.
Seriously, who came up with some of these achievements, and why were they ever given a job at Valve?
13 Christopher // Apr 16, 2008 at 4:27 pm
Well, if you already have the CritzKrieg medigun when you go for that Blunt Trauma achievement, I think that’d be not quite as hard. He’d be throwing nothing but crit fists, and he’s got a long reach.
14 Mr_Wizard // Apr 16, 2008 at 5:17 pm
I once punched 6 enemies to death. I was in one of those now rare (if they even exist anymore) Instant Death Round Enabled 2Fort games, I was on the team that was behind. When instant death round kicked in, I was a heavy. I spawned in the secondary spawn point above the sewers. Instead of just dropping down, I waited for the really well organized opposition to all come through the passage. I hung back as they tossed a few rockets and grenades though the hole, then dropped down on the medic when he passed. I punched him and the guy he was healing before anyone realized what had happened. Then on the other end of the tunnel, an ubered heavy started shooting down the corridor. They tried to back up to get cover, but they only backed up into my fists. The ubered heavy killed the two who were closest him, and I killed 4 (1 demo, 1 soldier, a scout, and a pyro) who tried to run backwards, before a medic took out his bonesaw, killed me and ran off. I wouldnt have gotten if those two players (the only two players on my team working together) hadnt used their uber on defense.
It was glorious.
15 Sam // Apr 16, 2008 at 5:35 pm
I actually agree with your evaluation chris. In fact as someone who loves playing medic I’ve done a lot of those without even trying, such as the uber scout (when you have an ubercharge and about to die, just be glad they are a good scout), uber heavy fists (we all goof off from time to time =P).
And I’m sure when the sniper or pyro ones come out I’ll be hard pressed to even get 1/3 or 2/3 of the achievements. Which is fine, because I don’t particularly enjoy those classes.
And yes, TF2 might not be all that fun the first few days the updates are released if you want to play a regular game, but I’m sure they will be pretty comical. Heck, I just may get peer review the first day with all the inexperienced medics grabbing for the new weapons.
16 trapped // Apr 16, 2008 at 6:33 pm
The thing about these is the originality: some are simply annoying but some are pretty clever. It excites me to see how the other classes will fare, especially pyro (my personal favorite).
17 AR // Apr 16, 2008 at 6:46 pm
Gah, I’d have like, 90% of these, if they’d added them at the start.
Medic used to be my main class… but I’m a little sick of it now. Now I’ll just have to grind :(
18 lemonpieman // Apr 16, 2008 at 8:40 pm
Punch 4 people, thats impossible without grinds.
19 Lack_26 // Apr 17, 2008 at 12:15 am
I reckon the grind will only be on a few servers, the rest full of people who looked, cried and gave up.
20 Slamhound // Apr 17, 2008 at 6:22 am
Jeez, far too many of those are reliant on the abilities of others. Blunt Trauma, Medical Breakthrough, and the like.
And a couple of them would pretty much encourage pretty selfish medics rather than selfless ones: Grand Rounds (”I am not healing you ’til you say my name, bitch.”), Double Blind Trial (”Yeah, I know I should’ve saved that uber for the offensive push, but they popped theirs and I wanted the achievement.”), Placebo Effect…
21 palker4 // Apr 17, 2008 at 6:42 am
Some of these achievements are really hard to reach or or for real hardcore players like placebo effect trying to kill 5 enemies with your uber ready is not completely sane in my opinion i wont have it for sure only if i had total luck. you will not be much useful for your team doing some of this stuff
22 Wossname // Apr 17, 2008 at 11:17 am
You’ll Feel a Little Prick: I can actually see this as being viable if the charge from the new crit gun will satisfy the achievement. Scout with his fast bat swing, doing only crits, would be fun to see.
Medical Breakthrough: EIGHT engie buildings in a single charge? I don’t think I’ve ever seen a nest that big. Probably require, what, at least 3 engies to turtle in close proximity to each other?
Placebo Effect seems a little unreasonable, but I’ve come close to it already (at 4 kills). When alone and with an Uber in the bank, I used to panic and pop it to save my ass, but I’m now becoming a more competent fighter and try to save the charge, instead.
I’m worried if I don’t get Bedside Manner in the first few days of playing, I may not get it ’til the next batch of class achievements are released.
23 Grigoriy // Apr 18, 2008 at 8:40 am
palker4:
“Some of these achievements are…for real hardcore players…”
That might be the idea. Giving them away for free with the Ubersaw would be a bit off.
24 sQUEAKYfOAMpEANUT // Apr 19, 2008 at 1:22 pm
Jesus H. Christ on a bicycle, the learning curve for these achievements are ridiculous.
You go from “Get an Ubercharge in the setup round like a big boy” to the “Get twelve Ubers in twenty seconds while on a point while dominating every member of the opposite team”.
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